Does anyone out there feel as hopeless as I do about my future? Rather, your future to? Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful friend who takes care of me and doesn't charge me rent…or anything really. He just wants me to save my disability checks so I can move when the time comes. I actually lead a really nice life…it's too bad I suffer from major depression and anxiety. I feel sad all the fucking time. I have no more friends in this town. Seriously. I don't. I have my best bud that I live with, but I never see him 'cuz he's with his bf who I don't really care for. So that makes it hard….plus the fact that my friend works almost 20 hour days. Yeah, for real.
I think it was yesterday that I took about 7 25mgs of a sleeping pills. Then five hours later I must have taken maybe 6 more. They made me a bit sick in my head, if that makes sense and I couldn't sleep. Stupid me.
While I was growing up, my mom and my sibs used to tell me how ugly and stupid I was, so I believed them. After all, they are family and they must know what they are talking about. So I thought I was all of that. Mostly stupid. My mom has apologized to me for that and for her giving me the lowest self-esteem possible. I said I accept, but I also hate you for it. I seriously hate her for it. It's engraved in my head that I'm ugly and stupid. Friends grown up also use to tell me how dumb I was. So, if you have family and friends telling you that you are dumb, I guess you start to believe it. I don't feel as dumb as I did when I was grown up. I've been thru too much shit to feel dumb. Does that make sense?
I have almost $10k saved up to move, but it's scary to think about where I want to move. LA would be my dream, though it's dirty and kind of ugly in some areas, but I want to give acting a try…it's so fucking pricey to live there…I'd have to get a place with someone…if I had a bf we could get a decent looking place, but I'm single. Any takers out there? If it's not LA, then it might be Miami. I love Miami. But my head tells me to move to LA 'cuz that's where it's going to happen. It's like I have a 6th sense that I belong out there. So I'm going to try. Yeah, the $10k will go out of my bank really fast, but at least I have a car that's paid off and no bills.
I really wonder if Jose knows I'm sad living here. I don't want to lose him and I know he doesn't want to lose me, but it's time to start a new chapter in my life and to get out of this "safety net" that I live in. Take a chance Tom.
I write and babble way too fucking much. You should see one of my cats sleeping on the couch next to me. He's a full blown long-haired Persian. The cutest little guy you'd ever meet. He gets so sick sometimes and the Vet bills are up my ass. He's worth it though.
I was listening to the radio, which I rarely do, in my car and the person talking asked "if you could come back as anything you wanted to, after you die, what would it be. I said a Sea Turtle…I just blurted that out and it kind of freaked me out when I said that. Why a fucking Sea Turtle? It's true though….I think I would like to come back as one. A Sea Turtle with a hard shell for shelter and be able to swim and be free from everything. Maybe making a friend or two along the way.
Okay. I'm done for now. I guess we will see what this day (Tuesday) will bring. It's so quiet right now. I realized something last night….I haven't left the house since my Friday a.m. class. I don't like to leave the house. I'm going fucking nuts. I swear.
I swear.
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