Not a good Sunday.

I normally love Sundays, but today was a bad day for me. I laid in bed most of the time…feeling like a loser. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off if I wasn't here….I think about putting a gun to the rooftop of my mouth and just shoot. I think about it daily, but I won't be doing that for a while. I -really - think - about - it - daily.

I think my depression is situational. I love Jose to death, but I can't stand living here any longer. I don't think I ever could stand living here. Don't get me wrong, he would jump in front of a car for me and I for him, but as Tori says, "I can feel the distance…getting closer." That makes me sad, but if my health is any better in the next year, I want to move to LA or to Miami. I want, rather, need to be by the ocean. Christ, I turn 40 in June and I feel like I haven't done anything with my life. Well, except for being in the hospital for most of my 30's.

I can't sleep. I'm going to start this CRAZY-ASS diet called The Master Cleanse. AKA: The Lemonade Diet. I'll do it for 14 days…it's more of a cleanse than a diet and God only knows I could use a really good cleanse. I've had so many pills shoved down my mouth…and still do. I've been really crabby lately 'cuz I'm slowly easing myself off of my Zoloft. I don't want to have to take any pills while doing this cleanse. Call me crazy, but I really want to do this. I'll blog about it daily as well and keep whoever is reading this, if anyone, will know how I'm doing.

I guess I should do some homework or something. It's 4:15am here and I'm having coffee. LOL Whatever.

Peace