Septenber 28th, 2010

I had some really crazy dreams last night. Well, it's still night I think. It's 4:50am here in fun 'ole Minneapolis. So. I'm up.

Does anyone out there feel as hopeless as I do about my future? Rather, your future to? Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful friend who takes care of me and doesn't charge me rent…or anything really. He just wants me to save my disability checks so I can move when the time comes. I actually lead a really nice life…it's too bad I suffer from major depression and anxiety. I feel sad all the fucking time. I have no more friends in this town. Seriously. I don't. I have my best bud that I live with, but I never see him 'cuz he's with his bf who I don't really care for. So that makes it hard….plus the fact that my friend works almost 20 hour days. Yeah, for real.

I think it was yesterday that I took about 7 25mgs of a sleeping pills. Then five hours later I must have taken maybe 6 more. They made me a bit sick in my head, if that makes sense and I couldn't sleep. Stupid me.

While I was growing up, my mom and my sibs used to tell me how ugly and stupid I was, so I believed them. After all, they are family and they must know what they are talking about. So I thought I was all of that. Mostly stupid. My mom has apologized to me for that and for her giving me the lowest self-esteem possible. I said I accept, but I also hate you for it. I seriously hate her for it. It's engraved in my head that I'm ugly and stupid. Friends grown up also use to tell me how dumb I was. So, if you have family and friends telling you that you are dumb, I guess you start to believe it. I don't feel as dumb as I did when I was grown up. I've been thru too much shit to feel dumb. Does that make sense?

I have almost $10k saved up to move, but it's scary to think about where I want to move. LA would be my dream, though it's dirty and kind of ugly in some areas, but I want to give acting a try…it's so fucking pricey to live there…I'd have to get a place with someone…if I had a bf we could get a decent looking place, but I'm single. Any takers out there? If it's not LA, then it might be Miami. I love Miami. But my head tells me to move to LA 'cuz that's where it's going to happen. It's like I have a 6th sense that I belong out there. So I'm going to try. Yeah, the $10k will go out of my bank really fast, but at least I have a car that's paid off and no bills.

I really wonder if Jose knows I'm sad living here. I don't want to lose him and I know he doesn't want to lose me, but it's time to start a new chapter in my life and to get out of this "safety net" that I live in. Take a chance Tom.

I write and babble way too fucking much. You should see one of my cats sleeping on the couch next to me. He's a full blown long-haired Persian. The cutest little guy you'd ever meet. He gets so sick sometimes and the Vet bills are up my ass. He's worth it though.

I was listening to the radio, which I rarely do, in my car and the person talking asked "if you could come back as anything you wanted to, after you die, what would it be. I said a Sea Turtle…I just blurted that out and it kind of freaked me out when I said that. Why a fucking Sea Turtle? It's true though….I think I would like to come back as one. A Sea Turtle with a hard shell for shelter and be able to swim and be free from everything. Maybe making a friend or two along the way.

Okay. I'm done for now. I guess we will see what this day (Tuesday) will bring. It's so quiet right now. I realized something last night….I haven't left the house since my Friday a.m. class. I don't like to leave the house. I'm going fucking nuts. I swear.

I swear.

Not a good Sunday.

I normally love Sundays, but today was a bad day for me. I laid in bed most of the time…feeling like a loser. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off if I wasn't here….I think about putting a gun to the rooftop of my mouth and just shoot. I think about it daily, but I won't be doing that for a while. I -really - think - about - it - daily.

I think my depression is situational. I love Jose to death, but I can't stand living here any longer. I don't think I ever could stand living here. Don't get me wrong, he would jump in front of a car for me and I for him, but as Tori says, "I can feel the distance…getting closer." That makes me sad, but if my health is any better in the next year, I want to move to LA or to Miami. I want, rather, need to be by the ocean. Christ, I turn 40 in June and I feel like I haven't done anything with my life. Well, except for being in the hospital for most of my 30's.

I can't sleep. I'm going to start this CRAZY-ASS diet called The Master Cleanse. AKA: The Lemonade Diet. I'll do it for 14 days…it's more of a cleanse than a diet and God only knows I could use a really good cleanse. I've had so many pills shoved down my mouth…and still do. I've been really crabby lately 'cuz I'm slowly easing myself off of my Zoloft. I don't want to have to take any pills while doing this cleanse. Call me crazy, but I really want to do this. I'll blog about it daily as well and keep whoever is reading this, if anyone, will know how I'm doing.

I guess I should do some homework or something. It's 4:15am here and I'm having coffee. LOL Whatever.

Peace

Whatever. I don't get this shit.

If I am doing this right, nobody I know will really read this…just random people out there who don't know me, and that makes me feel safe. I don't think I want my "friends" to know what's gong on with me. If my settings on this stupid thing are setup for you to read this, then go ahead. I just want to write.

I'm not doing so well. Mentally that is. My Auntie Sandy has cancer and a girl I knew from high school just passed away with cancer…she was only 38. Sandy is, I think, in her early 60's? I want to see her, but I live in MN and she's back home where I grew up in Oshkosh. I'm in school now and I really can't miss or fuck this up…Sandy is obviously more important. I have my priorities all fucked up.

My father is dying…again. He's been dying since I was 10, so it's hard to believe him. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I haven't really seen the guy…maybe when I was in the 4th or 5th grade. My mom almost died and was in the hospital…in a coma…somehow, the authorities found my 'old man and he and his BITCH gf, now his wife, came and took us kids to New London until my mother was better. My father and this woman would lock us kids in the house when they left for work, or they would send us over to the garbage dumpster…where there were some mean ass dogs that would chase us out….so my sib's and I would sit on the front porch of the house and hear my 'old man beat his gf. The screams, the sound of breaking glass, the sounds of my 'old mans fist against her face….my sister looked thru the window and saw my 'old man on top of this woman and he was just beating the shit out of her. She when things were over, we'd come into the house and she was black and blue. Literally black and blue. I remember crying a lot as a kid. Especially when my mom was in a coma. I was so sad and just wanted to go home. When we were locked in the house, my older brother and sister would try and entertain me…we'd listen to stupid Hank Williams albums and other Country shit that they had lying around this house. Funny. My 'old man never paid child support 'cuz he was always hiding from the authorities, but when mom was in the hospital, they seemed to have found him right away…and made our lives hell. He was a monster. He scared me.

It's 5:30am right now and of course I can't sleep. I wake up in deep sweats all the time from nightmares. Shhh, don't tell anyone that. Stupid nightmares. Memories from the past that I wish would go away.

Maybe I should introduce myself to whoever is reading this. My name is Tom and I am 39…65 in gay years. I found some really great Serum for my face so I don't look that old, or feel that old…and honestly? I feel like I'm 24 again. Though 24 really sucked for me. I live in the burbs of Mpls with my ex-bf. I live here because I have had tumor's in my spine and since 2002, I've had 5-6 surgeries. It's 2010 now and last summer of '09, I had a horrible infection that almost killed me had they not found it. I almost lost the use of my right leg. I had to walk with a cane until the infection in my spine was cleared up. It took a bit over a year for the infection to go away…I then became addicted to pain killers. I can say this 'cuz I have no idea who you are, but I was taking every - fucking- painkiller- out there. I was addicted. I'd pop 20 here and maybe 10 more here and another15 here…all in one day. Yes, I'm telling the truth. I know of people who took a lot more than that in one day. I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to go away.

Did I mention I think I'm gay? Maybe bi. I dunno. There have been one or two girls I had feelings for, but I never acted on it. I lost my virginity when I was 13 to another guy who was the same age. I felt loved, yet I felt dirty and hated. When I told someone who I thought was my best friend, he told someone who told everyone…which made my life at school a living nightmare. Kids hated me. I had a few cool chicks who would stick up for me…Jaina, Shelly and a few others. I dropped out of school with a 3.2 average 'cuz I was tired and I couldn't fight anymore. Besides, my mom would ground me to the house because my sib's would stick up for me which would lead to a fight. I later learned my mom wanted me to stick up for myself. HELLO? Everytime I did, I'd be the one who got in trouble. Someone would hit me, I would push them and I'd be the one who got into trouble. So much for having any self-esteem. The guy I lost my virginity to…he was very popular and a big whore. He slept with so many girls and he even messed around with other guys…me being one of them. He has the most beautiful olive skin and blue eyes. I saw a picture of him from out 20th high school reunion and he got really fat, like really fat. But, he still has those piercing eyes. He never apologized to me for making fun of me in front of his friends…or spitting at me…or yelling shit at me in the hallways of Webster Stanley Middle School. I thought he liked me, but I think he was just a horny asshole.

When I was 31(?) I was diagnosed with some fucked up tumors in my spine. I died twice from loss of blood…it was a hemangioendothelioma tumor. Say that twice! I still have back issues to this day.

Can you tell I don't like myself very much? I really messed up things in my 20's and in my 30's I was sick a lot. I turn 40 next June and I want to be an actor. LOL Never acted in my life, 'cept for the two classes I went to. I'm going to see if I can find another coach.

I've been lucky enough to travel to some amazing places. I think I want to move to LA, but I don't know anyone there…well, I kind of know an old buddy I sort of hung with when I was a teenager. Jeff. I've written to him, but he's busy with his life. When I do get to LA, maybe I'll see him. Yeah, sounds dumb. I write to a lot of "friends" on FB, yet I never hear from them. Maybe a quick, "Hi, I'm busy, but I promise to write to you." I'll even give out my cellular number, though I hate speaking on the phone. I sound like such a fag. They never call though and they certainly don't give me their numbers!

I don't want to live past the age of 60. I have a plan on how I will be doing that, but I won't share that with you for fear that someone out there might edit this and call the cops on me or something. Don't worry, it's just myself I want to get rid of. I have no skills, I have no more savings and nobody certainly want to hire a guy who hasn't worked in over 3-4 yrs. I'm on disability for my back and it sucks. I had a fusion in 2002, but last summer ('09) they removed it and man did that hurt like a fucking MTF biatch.

I think I should try and remember what my dreams are and stay focused on them. It's hard when you have no support system. People think I'm weird or crazy. I never really cared what other people thought of me or my dreams, but as I get older, I guess I do care.

People have used me for money to buy drugs. Pot mostly. Now and then I'll smoke some 'cuz it helps with the pain in my back, but when I hand over a $20 or a $10 or $60 bucks, I expect to have some of that potty as well. Don't give me this shit where you're almost out. I'm thinking of two people in particular. She's fucked up and so is her kid. I think she's trying to fix her life, but she's not doing a very good job at it. She can be really sweet, but I've seen her be a real bitch and a user. Her son is worse. That's a long story though.

They think I have it easy and that Jose and I are rich. Ummm, no stupid. We just don't cash in our savings bonds to buy drugs…$500 here…$300 here. Then you have the fucking nerve to call and ask me for a cup of cat food? Does that make any sense? Lazy asses.

I miss my family. I miss the guy I used to be. I used to be so outgoing and knew I could do whatever I wanted with my life.

A new chapter is coming. I am moving to LA, or hell, maybe Miami, next Christmas. I'll spend Christmas with my family, then I'm out of here. I'll miss Jose terribly (SP??) but I won't miss this fucked up city.

I could totally keep on writing, but my tummy hurts from this caffeine I'm drinking. Fucking A. I'm lactose intolerant and I put this French Vanilla creamer in my coffee…I seriously need to go back to tea. I think I need to shit now.

I'll write more later. I wonder where this "blog" will end up. I wonder if anyone will care. I wonder if any of my ex's who fucked me over will read this. Oh. There was this one guy, Dan, who I fell head over heels for one summer. He was so sweet to me…he would hold my hand while he drove his car…he introduced me to "The Trashcan Sinitras" and other music. He lives in Chicago now and we don't speak. He has a man who I guess he is in love with. I was in love with Dan and he told me he was in love with me to. I seriously thought we'd end up together forever. He thinks I'm a stalker…so be it. Read the book, "Valentine" asshole and then maybe you'd understand where I'm coming from. But I digress, we had a "relationship" when I was homeless and he was just coming out of the closet. Lesson learned, never date someone who is just coming out. I was 21 at the time. He broke my heart into so many pieces that I still can't find all the pieces to glue back together. I've only had one other bf since then. Drugs ruined that. I think I ruin a lot of things…and people. I get so angry for the way I've been treated. Too many footprints on my back. And now? Scars from surgeries. What's next?

What-is-next.